This is a COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS, but nonetheless, authorized biography.
Vern’s early life is quite mysterious. He may have been born in Argentina or Angola,
the illegitimate son of an escaped war criminal from Austria, or someplace starting with
the letter “A”. He is not sure. He does not remember. He got hurt a lot.
“Uncle” Vern Shumake spent several years avoiding the draft in Mexico. He was
headed for Canada, but got a little distracted along the way. Something about Latino
Chicks and I hope he was not referring to poultry in any way.
He made his living as a professional wrestler, which enabled him to wear a mask
without raising suspicions. When he found out the names they were calling him were
extremely offensive in any language, he insisted they call him “Uncle Vern” because
he liked to sit on his opponents until they called out “uncle”. Unfortunately, he doesn’t
speak any Spanish and they didn’t speak any English, so when they shouted “tio”, he
thought they were asking for a “time-out” and let them up. He got hurt a lot.
After moving to Southern California, Vern worked teaching ballet, ballroom dancing
and yodeling. These skills came in very handy during his short film career. He played
the masked screaming victim in a series of slasher movies that were never released,
except on video. He got hurt a lot.
His history of numerous injuries forced Vern to give up acting and turn to music so he
could inflict pain instead of receiving it. He continues to wear the mask, which is very
lifelike. He insists we call him “Uncle Vern”, or at least “UV”. He will hurt us a lot if we
Vern is a “multi-instrumentalist”, which means he plays several different instruments:
Guitar, Keyboard, Recorder (wooden flute), Bi-cordulated Freep, and Kazoo. He is
able to play all these at the same time, poorly, but at the same time. A word of advice:
never ask to see his Kazoo; you do NOT want to know how he manages to play the
Kazoo and the Recorder simultaneously! A hint: NEVER pull his finger!
Not a word of this biography is true. I made it all up…..by myself……I swear!!!!
But do not pull his finger. It will hurt a lot.
|Vern Shumake -
Keyboard, Flute, Recorder, Bi-cordulated Freep, and Kazoo